Saying "thank you" doesn't help the patriarchy.
Why the fair play discourse is in danger of going off the rails (and how to fix it).
According to my meager Substack data, y’all seem to like my hot take posts, so here’s another one.
As a newlywed and a Catholic feminist, I’ve been consuming quite a bit of content over the past few years about the mental load and splitting domestic chores fairly—not only to set the foundation for the rest of my marriage, but also to release the pressure I feel to live up to the I Don’t Know How She Does It ideal of modern womanhood. However, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend among content creators who post about these topics, and we need to call it out—because it’s not actually helping.
First of all, what are you even talking about?
While this concept existed well before this decade, the online discourse about “the mental load” in families really kicked off after the publication of the 2021 best-selling book Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live) by Eve Rodsky. The book (which I haven’t read, but have heard a lot about online) made the argument that despite the major advancements in women’s equality in our society—more education, the ability to own property and have their own bank account, etc.—women in heterosexual partnerships are still more likely to be the default parent and housekeeper, even if they have a full-time job outside the home like their male partners. In addition, women are expected to handle all the planning and management of household tasks—even the ones the men are supposedly responsible for.
To put this in context, I’m going to use an example from Paige Connell, a content creator who frequently discusses mental load issues: When many men think about doing laundry, they think the task is “Put clothes in washer. Put clothes in dryer. Fold clothes. Put clothes away.” However, this task is much more complicated than that. Are your kids’ uniforms clean for their big game on Saturday? Is it time to switch out everyone’s wardrobes for more seasonally-appropriate clothes? Do all of your kids’ socks have holes in them and they need new ones? Do you need to buy more detergent next time you’re at the store? Did that big ketchup stain come out of your daughter’s white shirt? (Side note: I would like to formally apologize to my mom for all the times she had to ask that last question when I was growing up.)
This imbalance is something that my husband and I are working on in our marriage. We’re not perfect. We don’t have it all figured out. We know the division of labor in our household will probably change multiple times over the years, especially when (Lord willing) we become parents. But we’re trying.
And I think that is why a recent trend in the “mental load” discourse has frustrated me so much.
“You’re part of the problem.”
The video that started this frustration was an Instagram reel (sorry, I’m not cool enough for TikTok) by Chelsea Fagan, CEO of The Financial Diet. I’ve followed her for years and while I don’t always agree with her views, the content she and her team create about personal finance and wealth inequality always makes me think.
In the reel, Fagan shares a story about a friend who attended a wedding with her husband and young daughter. Both the friend and her husband were in the bridal party and standing up with the couple during the ceremony. The husband held the daughter the whole time, and she eventually fell asleep in his arms. According to the friend, for the rest of the evening, wedding guests were coming up to her raving about how sweet and attractive it was that her husband held their daughter during the ceremony—because we don’t expect men to actually be good fathers, though we expect all women to be super moms.
I agree with the frustration to some extent. I’m not a mother yet, but I’ve heard countless times from moms online and in my real life that dads doing the bare minimum of childcare gets them infinite praise…while a mom doing the bare minimum because she’s so overwhelmed “doesn’t really love her kids.” This thinking is wrong. Parenting is hard work, no matter who does it. It also doesn’t necessarily come more naturally to women, though most of us are socialized from a young age to develop traits that serve both sexes very well in parenthood, such as empathy, patience, and intuition. Both sexes can and should learn skills that make them good parents and spouses in the future.
However, Fagan’s final line in the video is, “If you’ve ever congratulated a man for [doing the bare minimum], you’re part of the problem.”
Admittedly, when I was planning this post, I mistakenly remembered Fagan using the verb “thank,” which is not the same thing as “congratulate.” But this sentiment pervades a lot of mental load content: Men shouldn’t expect a pat on the back for doing the bare minimum. I profoundly disagree. Showing appreciation to someone who does the bare minimum isn’t upholding the patriarchy; in fact, I think it might be the key to dismantling it.
Don’t treat your spouse worse than you treat your barista.
Think about it this way: You go to your favorite coffee shop and get your favorite drink. When the barista hands it to you, what do you typically say? “Well, it’s your job to get me my coffee, so why should I acknowledge and appreciate you for doing the bare minimum?” If you do actually say that, hi “Threw It On the Ground” guy, thanks for reading my posts. But I’m going to assume most of you reading say, “Thank you.” On some level, we know that the person was simply fulfilling a line in their job description, but most of us have been taught since childhood that thanking people is a little gesture of politeness and, frankly, humanity that keeps society going.
The common response from women is, “Why does my husband need a parade for doing something that should be his job?” My answer: He doesn’t. But is a simple “thank you” the same as throwing him a parade? Is a simple “thank you” implying he’s the greatest husband/dad/partner ever for doing basic adult tasks? No. Your barista is probably not going to be thinking they’re the Michael Jordan of baristas because they made you a passable latte. Saying “thank you” is just an acknowledgement of a job well done. Even if the barista does appreciate your words, they will quickly move on with their day, to the next person’s order. That’s how most thank yous should work.
Say thanks. Change the world.
A few weeks ago, I was listening to an episode of the Bare Marriage podcast with Sheila Wray Gregoire and Rebecca Lindenbach. I’ve raved about these two many times in my writing. But for the uninitiated, they’re a mother-daughter team of marriage researchers who’ve conducted the largest ever survey of Christian married women and their marital and sexual satisfaction. Their research is fascinating and dismantles so many toxic evangelical messages about marriage, sex, and gender roles. To put it simply, they spend their lives exposing men who are very much part of the problem.
And that’s why something that Lindenbach, a young married mom of two, said in the episode pierced my heart: “It’s really important for those of us women who are really invested in ‘the fight,’ ‘the mission,’ whatever you want to call it, to realize that your husband doesn’t need to die on the altar of other men’s issues. I’m not talking about the husbands who are the problem. But…you’re not going to fix sexism by being mean to your husband.”
If we want a world where women are thanked for the invisible labor they do, we need to make it the norm to thank everyone for the invisible labor they do. Again, I’m not saying we should praise men who are disengaged fathers and are happy to let their wife do all the housework while they sit on the couch. But showing appreciation for the little things your partner does really goes a long way in making your relationship happier, more equitable, and longer-lasting. Saying “thank you” is another way of saying, “I see you. I appreciate you. I love you. You’re important to me and to this family.”
Men, thank your wife/partner for the work they do. Often. Not just in a Mother’s Day card, but in real time. It takes just a few seconds, but it will pay dividends in your long-term relationship satisfaction. Also, you probably did your own laundry and cleaning and cooking when you were single. You don’t get a pass on that just because you’re in a relationship.
Women, speak up when you’re feeling overwhelmed and need a more equitable balance in your household management. But also, give your husband/partner credit where it’s due.
A truly equitable household is not just one where everyone’s chore lists are equal, but when each person in the couple feels seen, appreciated, and loved.
What I’m Watching
I’m not always a big TV watcher, but when I am, I need to talk about it.
Lately, I’ve gotten back into watching a few TV episodes to relax in the evening, and most are rewatches. Here are just a few:
Stanley Tucci: Searching for Italy (Amazon Prime): I discovered this show on the plane to London for our honeymoon and I’ve been hooked ever since. And then when my sister was planning her honeymoon in Italy, I made her watch it. The ever-charming Tucci traveling all over Italy sampling the most exquisite Italian dishes you’ve ever seen? It’s a win.
Drink Masters (Netflix): Think Chopped, but for bartenders. The drinks these mixologists create are truly baffling. Apparently, they filmed a second season earlier this year and I cannot wait until it’s out.
The Great British Bake Off (Netflix): Do I even need to explain what makes this show so great? I finally watched the most recent season after admittedly skipping all the Matt Lucas-hosted ones and Alison Hammond is crushing it as a co-host. Hold on tight to her, Channel 4. Don’t let her go.
Sensing a theme here?
Thank you so much for reading! Let me know what other topics you’d like to see from me, and I will see you next time.
